By definition, if it’s your passion, it is exclusive to you, the person with that passion. Sure other people may help fuel it or try drowning it out, still, the thrill, the energy, the work, yes the work, is yours to do what you will with it.
Last month has been quite exhausting. I worked pretty much non-stop all month for the October issue of theParentVoice, and even with the release of the issue last night, I can feel the tiredness in every bone and muscle in my body.
One of the triggers for my emotional exhaustion is the motivation to keep the website going. Don’t get me wrong, I do love the work and I want to keep doing this for as long as I can. What I mean by motivation here are the external energies that help charge an exhausting mind. When there is a mental and physical list of 137 different things you need to get done within a few hours, dedication to anything, if not carefully nurtured, can get a little questionable.
Questions such as ‘why am I doing this?’, ‘do people really care?’, ‘am I really helping anybody?’, are common during such times and I have my fair share of them. Part of the problem is I feel burned out and we are only on issue number 3. My husband tries to motivate me by telling me how hard it is for startups and people who start things up in their first few years. Agreed. I have read those stories too but at least a lot of these people had some funding, had a crew of staff or another person with whom they could work regularly even in a crazy schedule.
I don’t believe any of the guys who broke big years later had kids to worry about or the responsibilities of a stay-at-home-parent to also fulfill. If you were married, you probably didn’t have kids, if you had kids, you were probably still the earner so the other spouse could take care of everything else that made your household run smoothly. None of this is true in my case.
I have a never-ending, under appreciated, if even, “job” as a sahm AND then I have all my tPV, related work, not to mention this blog that is gathering dust, and my other business that needs some TLC especially given an upcoming event. All work and no help, makes for one burned out gal, which is where I am heading.
The schedule of tPV, doesn’t help. With everything released on one day, the work leading up to it, is, for lack of a better word, a LOT! This month especially, with the absolutely fantastic set of new articles and new members on the extended Team, it has been very, very exciting and consequently, there I go again, a lot of work.
Would things have been different if I was able to pay everyone and everything? Would there be more accountability? Quicker responses to emails? More commitment?
I have always believed in putting family first. However, I can see now why this can sometimes be problematic, especially when deadlines are looming. Even so, I haven’t let that interfere with the “family first” value for everyone, except myself.
My family apparently never comes first because of obvious reasons. I cannot, not do what needs to be done every month for a new release. So, my son ends up zoned out on watching too much Umi Zoomi, my daughter learns to entertain herself as I keep ignoring her to write another email or design yet another page, my husband figures out how to deal with simultaneous-tantrums whilst finalizing dinner, it’s not all bad- he gets to have the kids exclusively some days of the weekends but that also means WE don’t all get to be together as family, unclean plates get strewn around the kitchen table and counter-top, the playroom remains a mess until the husband cleans everything up at night, and bed times get compromised or cut short.
I get so exhausted at the end of the day, everyday, that I fall asleep on the Laz-e-Boy with a laptop on my lap waking up suddenly to feeling guilty about having dozed off but with zero energy to pick up where I left off but have to get things done anyway. We no longer get to enjoy quiet TV time after the kids go to bed due to the aforementioned dozing-with-laptop-on-lap situation and when that is not the case, because I still have work to do, the husband ends up playing video games and I get upset that he doesn’t want to watch anything with me, something for which I can’t blame him because no one likes being asked every 2 minutes what is going on, on screen, because you are distracted with work. The laptop-on-my-lap, sitting on the Laz-E-Boy, working is such a routine that when I do very rarely sit next to my husband on our couch (laptop still on lap), it is a situation worthy of commenting somethinglike, “Hey, we are sitting next to each other! Go figure!”
Something’s gotta give. Enough said.